Monday, March 18, 2013
I'm letting go
From the outside you see a bubbly, energetic, sometimes silly acting mom but on the inside I am angry. I have never been able to pin point why I have such a hard time controlling my anger, maybe I was never taught how to control it, maybe it is because I need the control in situations, maybe from being in 3 year abusive relationship...I guess it could be a combination of many things. But, by being this way, it affects many aspects of my life...I overreact when I feel I am losing control of a situation (large or small), I yell WAY to much, I shut people out, and I am not fully devoting myself to Him.
As hard as this is to admit I yell way to much at my babies. Instead of yelling I need to sitting down and explaining to them how they did something wrong. By yelling I am not only hurting them, but, even more importantly I am letting the cycle continue, letting them think it is o.k. to act this way. My marriage is strained by my intense anger and behavior, also. My hubby is SUCH a hard worker, he provides financially, emotionally, and spiritually for our family but how do I repay him by having to control everything, by nitpicking, and by arguing over little things. I know how I SHOULD act but it is once again letting go of that ANGER. I feel if I let go them what can I control?
But, I do know one thing in order to be a FULLY DEVOTED FOLLOWER of CHRIST I have to LET GO. In Luke 14:33, “Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." That means I have to give up EVERYTHING. EVEN, the anger? A lot of times I read this verse and question "really God, I gave you my finances, my marriage, my Zachary...do I have to let go of this?" One would think, it is anger...why do you want to hold onto it? My answer is when I hold on to this I secretly feel like I am in control of everything I gave to Him. SO, did I really give him anything? NO, do I want to? YES! I have gotten to the point in my life I am ready to pick up my cross and carry it too. I want to have a deeper, more grounded relationship with my heavenly Father. I am putting these verse into action. Will I always be perfect at it? NO, but I am giving it my EVERYTHING and that is all he is asking me to do. I deny myself for him today and everyday until the end of time! Luke 9:23, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me.”
I want to raise my boys in a way that they KNOW that their mom is a FOLLOWER of Christ, not JUST a FAN. I will grow with my God, I will grow with my spouse and kids as well. I know that as I connect with God on a more personal, deeply rooted level I will want to let go of that ANGER.